i stopped taking my medicine because i assumed (correctly) that it generally 'turned down the volume' on the good bad and beautiful parts of life. the first few days of not taking it, i was so on edge i didn't know if i was going to burst into tears or eat anything or eat everything.
i remember going to bongo when the sun was shining and observing everyone there so intently, to see them for what they really appeared to be as opposed to neutrally existing with them collectively. anti depressants keep you from caring to much about anything or anyone bc you have proven (by virtue of needing to take them) that you can't handle caring that much. i was acclimating myself with a space ive known for years in a totally different way. i watched a 6 yr old boy hold hold the door open for ~15 ppl over the course of 10 minutes. he said things like 'everyone is coming in! all the people in and none of the people out!!'. i was actually close to tears watching this kid do something so nice, yet he didn't even think of it as 'nice', it was just interesting to him to see people coming in and out. totally unselfish.
then i picked up e (a person not drug) and couldn't stop talking to him about totally nonsensical things. he didn't respond, it was literally just me talking at him for an hour. it was so good to talk to someone about nothing and care so much. in summation, i dont feel neutral anymore. for better or for worse.
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