god these are so stubby. do i not even have the patience to write a full post. jesus. 25 yr old me will re-read these and know how much of a lazy asshole i was/probably still am.

maybe he isn't a good person.
i wonder if my dad will actually die soon. he seems depressed enough to completely give up on living. i feel awkwardly nonchalant about the prospect of this happening. moms is not speaking to me at the moment and i also don't really care. reconnecting with my design work and some friends (all girls, i noticed). i'm not really trying to be nice to people. people like it when you don't care about them. i also think my metabolism is speeding up?? if i was fat on top of all of this i actually would kill myself. 

he is a good person.
i will continue 'seeing' him.
he will take me to taco bell and i will buy three tacos and immediately regret eating them.
he will say not to worry.
i will kiss him outside.

nothing to see here

move along

race war

...finally

jesus christ i thought this would never happen,

who are you rooting for? (lol)

the black people or the white people? (lOl)

i'm definitely rooting for the black people because the white people here kind of suck and i assumed (incorrectly) that white people knew about white privilege. shucks. 

if only we (unclear who the 'we' is though) could assess wealth privilege simultaneously but washu is not ready for that...everyone love they $$$$

so yeah great conversation fodder and facebook is simulaneously a race to see who can take more offense. who are you rooting for?? jk angry black people win every time

~~~more on this later!!!~~~ but maybe not

being a person is hard

feel interested in making out with asian guys
somehow i have a preference for koreans and/but i am unclear on the racial hierarchy (if any) i am playing into with this assertion. do koreans have more 'white features'? feel interested in this question bc i was recently in bed with boy and he remarked that indian girls (me in particular) have 'white features' (my words not his) distinguished only by a darker complexion. reflexively, i took this as a compliment and further remarked that east asian girls had more distinctly 'asian' facial characteristics. this small and vapid conversation was heavy with racial politics and looking back on it, it's actually pretty disgusting how much 'white beauty' standardizes beauty even at the cognitive level. hmmm. will expand on this later. but probably not.

im feeling extremely fucked for this test / unclear on how much addy to eat. will try to study briefly tmrw sans addy. expecting varied results. shunning the general public this week; should be met with success.

sit down

i regret not crying last night during a pseudo 'intervention' staged by 2 of my closest friends re my study habits in bIo. sorry you can't hold your addy, but don't come at me like that and leave absolutely no room for a conversation wherein i could explain myself and my situation within two larger situations. if you don't really give a fuck about the two (or three, or four(?)) larger situations than do not question anything about how i'm dealing with this test, or my parents, or this white wine. no one has shown consistent empathy or even sympathy for what's going in with my family and my education except people that are paid to care. i don't need someone too but don't fucking choose when to care at your convenience because i will have certainly already considered whatever your about to say and there is no place in your little brain that i haven't already been. fall back bish.