a diagram categorizing my current anxiety level via amount of hair on the shower wall

 

' a diagram categorizing my current anxiety level via amount of hair on the shower wall':

check back for annotations on said hair

'haze yourself'

i think i want this to be the title of my memoir:

' i vacuumed up my lexapro by accident so i guess today will be an 'off day''

my caprese ( with turkey ) is usually accompanied by avocado but today the panini press in the cherry tree cafe was set to 250 degrees F instead of its usual 300 degrees. i noticed Vicki, who usually works  at the cash register, hadn't turned the knob all the way and currently, my roommate is trying to convince me out of having sex. well. actually, i have a sort of diatribe against having a 'sex life' because of the slew of emotional and anxiety inducing issues it would bring into my already wrecked mind. i ended my monologue by saying 'but i have to do it'. she responded with an appropriate 'wut'. i explained further that i needed to 'haze myself' (in the immortal words of mary bishop) by starting my 'sex life'.

here are some excerpts from the conversation verbatim:

'do you know how long it takes girls who for their own personal reasons freak out about sex, which regresses them'

'pushes women back the inner woman cult revolution womens rights movement pushes back'

'im literally writing everything down.'

'take it out if it sounds bad'


'expression oriented v goal oriented
-go through different mediums. writing is a different'
'coming of age, where you ...

'hey im

stalking my roommate. it's too easy. ""

end.

other stuff i want to remember later :

writing is a different means of self expression but i just
remember this: write out these posts on notebook paper (or digitally???) and incorporate them into prints. concept: the absurdity of us all having our own websites and excessive documentation becoming the 'norm'
think aesthetically with the concept in mind goddamnit
art is hard and no one cares about  it

'delighted by her own disgustingness'

i often (for lack of a better word), become 'obsessed' with certain people who (to my paranoid lil brain) render me socially awkward to the point of autistic due to my inability to construct complete thoughts around said people. currently i'm holding myself back from this 'obsessive' stage and limiting any similar behavior to being 'shy' as opposed to thinking about this person frequently and imagining him/her and i in various situations and conversations. currently the closest person to this is my professor who i don't so much think about but instead wonder whether this person is truly 'happy' in his life and speculate to what his agenda regarding his own happiness might be. it's also totally disconcerting that i 1) nap for approximately 4 hours every tuesday and thursday right before that class and 2) yearn to be in the crew of english lit majors (all male, coincidentally) that sits in the front 2 rows 3) consider taking recreational anti-anxiety meds in an effort to 'loosen up' before this one class that seems 'tense' (to me only, i'm sure). huh.

muhduh muduh keel keel keel

yeeeeooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

keel keel keel

1) should i take all my classes pass/fail
2) should i then fail all my classes
3) should i then actually put effort into www.nameyourprice.com and get paid to go on dates with relatively disgusting older men
4) should i then develop and underfunded coke habit
5) should i then enter a downward spiral culminating in an episode of redemption (filmed via nude vlog entries
6) should i then gain a rather large internet following
7) should i then go on a keeling rampage

currently scouting for a ~33 yr old boyfriend

the internet at this fucking starbucks is so fucking slow i want to punch the indian gentleman sitting next to me in his fucking face.

the prickles came back this morning and i contemplated having a beer or smoking a bowl by myself in an effort to 'relax'. however the self consciousness that comes from drinking a beer alone at 12 pm is almost double the original anxiety i am attempting to combat in the first place. currently i am trying to solicit $15 from either of my parents in an effort to buy a purse i completely don't need but feel a 'need' for. this is hour 4 of my date with myself. if this were a date with another person i would've found it a 'great first date' and texted the other party two days from now and given him book suggestions since i (we(?)) went to 'subterranean books' after 'beasts of the southern wild'. based on all of the praise i've heard surrounding the film, i was honestly expecting something a little more 'sweeping'; the budget allowed the filmakers however to utilize a more stripped down filming style and utilize minimal set design that actually supplemented the content of the narrative. the lil cutie that was nominated for an oscar deserved the oscar based on her cuteness and ability to remain a 9 yr old despite being filmed by 10+ cameramen. the father (wink(?) was his name? maybe?) was the most unnerving character, based on his fragile mental and later physical state. he was objectively unfit to be a parent but was able to sustain a bond w hushpuppy based on the premise of survival. ie, he enables her to live by providing food, shelter, etc, and withholds companionship, warmth, or any of the other 'modern' (from an evolutionary perspective) implementations of parenting. in that way, most of the film seems removed from contemporary society, and instead feels more like a mid 1850s swamp town or a post-apocalyptic new orleans. i also liked how the audience's interpretation of hurricane katrina was shunned completely and the shelter employees were briefly the 'bad guys' while the swamp-dwelling protagonists yearned (as did we, on their behalf) to return to their unhygienic and non-literary society in the bayou.

there is too much science for my lil brain!!

in no particular order here are the 'little things in life' to enjoy/look out for

-when i want to cancel plans w/ someone and they do before i have to
-when i am unsure about wanting to cancel plans w/ someone and they do before i have to
-eating in class
-eating in bed
-looking prettier than my enemies
-successful social interactions w adults
-going to bed hungry/on the verge of hunger (ie waking up skinny)
-finding candy/money/aderall
-good poops
-okay poops
-listening to a new artist and not immediately hating them
-emails from peggy
-mac n cheese at bd (friday)

im nervous about dying

i am a paranoid person. i have been paranoid all of my life for various reasons and at times the paranoia has objectively helped me but always always always gnaws at my inner monologue. in middle and high school i was paranoid about not having enough friends and have undiagnosed (varying from slight to severe) social anxiety. In high school, the end of this socially anxious period of my life (perhaps coincidentally) coincided with the beginning of my weed usage around 10th grade. Ironically, weed causes fits of paranoia, but seemed to help my sober state. My paranoia now centers around my reservations about art making and fully exerting myself academically for fear of 'choosing the wrong thing' to excel at. typing this out illustrates how much of a 'first world problem' this is and puts the problems of higher learning in a less severe perspective. my professors sense my growing fog of apathy via cognitive dissonance and goad the class frequently to 'commit to the material' and 'dont under estimate this class'. they are referring to me and me only and i will respond by returning to my introvert-roots and slowly absorbing material and hovering in the 'class average'