everyone hates me and so should u

after a 1.5 week run of terrible days, i experienced 3 'great' days. each day i said 'this is the best day of my life' ~10 times. if i said it enough it would become true, and buoy my mood. these best days of my life were followed by drinking too much and talking too loud, resulting in self-consciously laying in bed for two years the next day. no one is scrutinizing my every move, so i've taken it upon myself to do so.

my dad said i am 'desperately trying to fail' re my entire life.

the people that are supposed to blindly support me are the only people point blank telling me i have no chance. it is getting increasingly difficult not to internalize this message. i want to sink down into the stiff earth and evade failure so much that it is in turn affecting my chances of 'success'. hmm.
is that irony?

a crippling adderal addiction is something i am considering.
i have four friends and i only like 2 of them.
no one is like me and i'm starting to be less and less like me.
i am trying to find the balance between artist and drone.
the security of waking up and parking my car and sitting at a desk for 8 hours is why i am in college.
but that is a grim dream for the .5 of me that wants to be an 'artist'.
i try really hard to get people to like me and i don't think it's working.
i am almost ready to stop trying completely.
if i don't talk to anyone, they will assume the best; anything i saw will only decrease the likelihood of likelihood of liking.

tonight i will drink beer alone and work on my art. i will text matt ~5 times and get angry about him not loving me for a little while. i will go to be satisfied with a slightly increased self-image. there is no tangible benefit for being 'seen'.

everyone is trying so hard, they can try on my behalf i suppose.

i am acutely aware at all times of how much fun im having, and i think it is useful to tell others as this fun is happening to us. my modes of navigating with the world at large are getting more and more narrow; perhaps, this is 'becoming who i am', as early, i was everyone all the time.