people at large do not value being entertained in conversation. thoroughly entertaining someone while talking to them does not make them want to be your friend. there have been countless occasions where i've felt myself performing for someone (or a group of people), willing them to have a 'great time' talking to me, only to have them think nothing of it afterwards and walk away. no one actually cares if you're funny or smart. getting along with someone does not make them want to be your friend; this is one of the main reasons i do not identify with anyone. i have, of course, considered my outer appearance as a detriment to socializing, but i am now at a place where i think of myself as aesthetically appealing, even under the 'commodity' moniker die to the looming otherness following me.
in the past few months, however, i do think i have made progress in avoiding entertaining, as i semi-recently realized how futile it is to be 'fun'. as i said earlier, people do not register being entertained after it happens; it really is as if the entire conversation did not happen.
so the looming question that im almost done entertaining (not intended) is: what do people want from me?
the question is so far from being answered, that I may be better off asking myself: what can i get from others? can i extract entertainment and resources from others? enter a manipulative behavioral mode?
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