goat

alphab has an 'internet mind'. when we hang out (which is almost exclusively in his car), i have to use all faculties not to get lost and follow his very tangential train of thought. it is entertaining but does feel like 'work'. it's similar to watching a fascinating documentary that has more statistics in white text over a black screen than you would have liked.

yesterday he told me he wants to tell me a secret but is stitious about what will happen after i know. i think it is that he doesn't like me but it equally could be that he likes me. i think it is best not to care but i now have an anxiety-producing slurry of old flakes inside me. coincidentally (not really), i hung out with P.GOAT yesterday as well (who all of my other posts are about), after a night spent wishing he would either a. get crushed by a car like the dad in disturbia or b. love me. i texted him at the nord asking what he was doing, expecting an okay time at sportsmans to follow. he responded vaguely and was w lil at the time. after a pleasant interaction at her show, i felt positive about interacting with them both. he replied she wants to 'split wine' which i should've (and did but ignored) picked up on and went on w my life. i said 'where at also if its just u guys no prob just tell me'. no response. 'ok tell me so i know if i should make other plans.'

'make other plans'

i felt the crush and tried to force myself to cry so maybe i could go home earlier. no luck.
left feeling dejected and equipped w some sort of work energy. i walked out, text from alphab 'call me as soonas u are done w work'. i call, he gives me instructions like we are going to dump a body. i wait for him to pick me up at kroger and now try not to cry. he picks me up and drives erratically while also speaking erratically. he buys me a refresher and is cute and shy about it. back in car and back to intense intensity. i get smackers on his piece and we are at my house. i show him a movie trailer after talking about him with him for a while and then we watchsaid movie .we are very focused on the movie and he shivers when something rly emotional happen. i sense of much he feels. it might be too much, or maybe im not feeling enough.



 im reminded of myself whenever i try to ween myself off of antidepressants. color returns to the world and i just stare at everything for two days. the saturation is noticeably stronger and everything is amazing or terrible or heartbreaking. i forget to breathe often during these first few days. after about a week i am tired and feel a little doomed.

then something at best irritating and worst kind of upsetting happens and i crumple like a jesus zine and take 3 lexapro tablets. this happens about twice a year but im know fairly sure i will be more doomed by not taking it at all even when life is amazing. there's a lot more doom where that came from.