spin class

there is value in being sad. i haven't figured it out yet, but i can literararrararally rationalize myself out of/into an behavioral pattern. this is of course not a great thing to be able to do. since oftentimes i am in an obvious 'bad' situation and i am completely blind to it until a third party intervenes and asks what the fuck is wrong with me.

there is value in sharing your sadness with others while simultaneously taking pride in it. i am glad my mouth turns down at the ends.

every day for 4 weeks i have eaten a grilled cheese and avocado sandwich for breakfast. i love having a routine but i am ashamed of being so adaptable. everyone likes a 'spontaneous creative'.

the triumphant return of the prodigal shithead

i realize that we all feel like frauds. but i think i have put myself in a position warranting the title of 'supreme ultimate fraud champion' through my impractical and challenging interests. i'm trying to be 'good' at something that is fulfilling in sense that it fills you with pride (not really a good thing), anxiety (not good), and inadequacy. i am willing myself to move out of drawing and printmaking, although those are the times i feel joy in work. video and photography are laborious to me, yet the final product seems more 'impressive' and caters to a more pretentious palette. i am about to enter a frenzy of indentured servitude, retail work, and drawing that i don't know if my low low low energy level can handle. i'm take happy energy pills, yet still have trouble staying up for more than six hours at a time before hiding and just laying down somewhere. truly i feel unfit for these 24 hour days we decided on.

i don't know if i can be productive in anything really. i am a glutton for inactivity.