race war

...finally

jesus christ i thought this would never happen,

who are you rooting for? (lol)

the black people or the white people? (lOl)

i'm definitely rooting for the black people because the white people here kind of suck and i assumed (incorrectly) that white people knew about white privilege. shucks. 

if only we (unclear who the 'we' is though) could assess wealth privilege simultaneously but washu is not ready for that...everyone love they $$$$

so yeah great conversation fodder and facebook is simulaneously a race to see who can take more offense. who are you rooting for?? jk angry black people win every time

~~~more on this later!!!~~~ but maybe not

being a person is hard

feel interested in making out with asian guys
somehow i have a preference for koreans and/but i am unclear on the racial hierarchy (if any) i am playing into with this assertion. do koreans have more 'white features'? feel interested in this question bc i was recently in bed with boy and he remarked that indian girls (me in particular) have 'white features' (my words not his) distinguished only by a darker complexion. reflexively, i took this as a compliment and further remarked that east asian girls had more distinctly 'asian' facial characteristics. this small and vapid conversation was heavy with racial politics and looking back on it, it's actually pretty disgusting how much 'white beauty' standardizes beauty even at the cognitive level. hmmm. will expand on this later. but probably not.

im feeling extremely fucked for this test / unclear on how much addy to eat. will try to study briefly tmrw sans addy. expecting varied results. shunning the general public this week; should be met with success.

sit down

i regret not crying last night during a pseudo 'intervention' staged by 2 of my closest friends re my study habits in bIo. sorry you can't hold your addy, but don't come at me like that and leave absolutely no room for a conversation wherein i could explain myself and my situation within two larger situations. if you don't really give a fuck about the two (or three, or four(?)) larger situations than do not question anything about how i'm dealing with this test, or my parents, or this white wine. no one has shown consistent empathy or even sympathy for what's going in with my family and my education except people that are paid to care. i don't need someone too but don't fucking choose when to care at your convenience because i will have certainly already considered whatever your about to say and there is no place in your little brain that i haven't already been. fall back bish.

anaphase: crippling vyvanse addiction

i consider myself 'seeing someone' although the person I most sexually attracted to is my ~35 yr old lit professor who more resembles a young quentin tarantino crossed with an old john malkovich. malkovich malkovich malkovich. my ideal friday night is drinking red wine with this person and discussing/re-watching charlie kaufmen movies and making him feel pedophiliac(?) when we kiss. this is the only sexual fantasy I'm currently entertaining. thursday night (in olin) i was feverishly thinking about fucking him so much so that i came twice with my bio notes in front of me. the indian guy sitting across from me didn't seem to notice. 

relationship with parents is plateauing in a bad place. i'm trying hard not to care. my hair is falling out all over max's bed and sometimes accidentally into his mouth. i don't want to make him deal with me right now but i do feel like i need someone to pet me and play with my tits. feels good to write about little things like tits and movies but most of the time if im not on amphetamines i just want to sleep or enter a thick tumblr glaze. this pathetic slide is viscous but has a certain sheen. a sheen that comes from not caring about people and having them notice and want attention that is accessed by a circle of ~15 or fewer. this is an arrogant thought but it strikes me often enough and      genuinely enough that I quietly accept it as true. the quiet seclusion that comes from anti-social behavior assures me of my ability to entertain myself and my ability to snap back into an extraverted version of myself. feel only interested in socially connecting further with suitemates, professors, and boy. this could also be a menopausal (read: emotional) post with no grounding in reality. 

this 1.5L of 'barefoot moscato' wine is 'making eyes' at me and I think i'm gonna go ahead and drink the whole thing while pretending to do bio (read: pretending to be a premed to pretend to still care about attending washu to pretend to care about 'the future')

baBy bAcKpaCk fOr tHe fRoNt!!!!111

currently day-drinking and arguing about the validity of checking one's email often. I argue that yes, you wouldn't come from a 'thai massage', but you should still continually check your email in case your 4-530 class with BB gets cancelled. currently planning out the next 3 years. I finish out the semester; i take a semester off, and the semester turns into a year. I move. I get scared. I do a sizable amount of coke and hopefully have a pregnancy scare or two. I study for the mcat, i bomb the mcat. i try to get on the autism spectrum via excelling at certain things and completely failing at others. I get on said autism spectrum and overdose on tylenol and bombay gin. i marry rich have a child die along

too much stuff in the world i need to read i just want to talk about books maybe a lot so yeah words

i want to be objectified for my body and not my mind

my conscious life is catching up to my subconscious life; for better or for worse. three nights ago i had a slurry of stressful dreams brought on by my parents visit to stl. punctuating these high-intensity dreams was a lull in which i hung out w daddy in an ambiguously romantic context. the next day i had an extremely tense lunch with my parents and two friends, followed by a text from him asking me to dinner. my instinctual response was: 'yes, yes of course' followed by a realization that i already know what it feels like to let someone down so intensely that you rely on so heavily. i flatly replied that i was busy with my dog (true) and have been have lingering thoughts about the small episode ever since.

this coincides interestingly to a decision i made a few weeks ago to stop caring about impressing men and 'do me'. this has been met with pretty successful results, as my unicorn is not the only male that leaves me quibbling on the autism spectrum. my newfound resolution to not date anyone hasn't softened by desire FOR TEH FLESH!!! and i still want to be 'objectified by my body as opposed to my mind'. thus i have decided to 'get fingered' by someone this thursday after my bio test in an effort to one 1. encourage me to shave my body 2. show off my 'body by aderall' 3. amuse myself and others

thursday is also SUPR STRESFULL bc my incredibly incompetent typography group has our letter set due. my group is as follows:
1. incredibly scary fat blond girl who i suspect is bipolar and rightfully deals w issues of self-loathing
2. well meaning yet ultimately doomed frat bro who is so blinded by his false sense of community that he can't meet with his groups for 45 minutes on a monday night and whom i've tried desperately but failed to have a sexual fantasy about
3. well meaning blak grl who actually comes to the meetings i schedule (bc for some reason i was silently directed captain of this sinking ship bc apparently i'm not as obviously fucked as the rest of this group) but has both horrible craftsmanship and ideas.
4. cute and stylish korean girl that literally does not give a fuck but somehow i mind less that w the others.

tumblr image articulating current mood: (i'll try to post my own sketchbook stuff instead l8rrrr)

meta-porn

addressing the viewer in porn and cheekily discussing the audience's presumed reactions and comments

currently watching videos of male porn stars using variously sized 'ridged long-necked dildos' on themselves with an unnamed lil black gay best friend. i think he might be the only lil black gai for a 2 mile radius and he is a perfect human being. i could write 100 pages about him so i will later. first we looked up all these super weird sex toys that ranged from adorable tiny pink and green butt plugs(?) and a vibrator that honestly looked exactly like an alarm clock. then we were on this site with like, very extremely too huge butt dildos that looked like they were carved out of huge chunks of candle wax and had dimensions like 11' long and 17' in circumference. what the fuck does 17' cm in circumference even look like. i couldnt picture it (even though i'm usually really really good at picturing things like that) and couldnt imagine why anybody would ever want to use something like that on themselves or on anyone else (even though i'm really good at imagining things like that). we watched a video of a squat and muscular pale man using one on himself. with a pained expression on himself he sort of just sat on it until it sort of 1/2 way went in. the 2 minute video (on the company website for these products) was extremely depressing the 40 minutes of 'porn for women' we watched before that was also pretty depressing. not sure when the 'sexiness' of sex occurs to me