this is my 6th hour watching cbs.. all of the daytime programming is bordering unbearable. i think this is a government ploy to encourage people to get jobs since there won't be anything good on tv during the day. i am currently watching 'the talk' which is the 'the view' with darlene from roseanne on it. she's the angsty, gay(?) one. the overweight black lady is the black one and one of the funnier ones. sharon osbourne is the famous one. my feet really smell but i like it. i haven't showered since saturday but i think i like it. i'm stressed about this vanderbilt thing but i would also be stressed about going back to washu. everything stresses me out. i find myself very easily stimulated lately, which perhaps is a product of my increased introversion. i'm extremely unproductive in the company of friends, so the alone time is good for increasing my 'artistic' output ie sketchbooking and illustrator. whenever i see certain friends now i'm really animated and 'fun'. i'm convincing myself this is a good trade-off since i can develop my 'skills', assuming they exist.

i'm really bonding w my room. i think it's my favorite room that exists. i can't really think of any rooms i love right now though. i really like the art library. that's really just one large room. maybe that's my sercond favorite room.

oh no that wayne brady 'price is right' type show is on. i don't get it, wayne brady and drew carey(?) should quit being shitty gameshow hosts and have another improv special. wayne brady has a wonderfully shiny bald head. i remember having a lot of sexual fantasies about the bald comedian on  a hawaiian cruise w my family. the comedian seemed liked he hated his life a proportionate amount to being a cruise comedian. he was pretty funny and i really wanted to fuck him. i think i was 17 at the time. maybe 16. i ate a lot of pineapple on that trp and puked a really acidic pineapple puke. i think i was depressed at this point in my life.

i'm very stressed out about this semester and my writing and my art and i don't know how much to care about having friends or making new ones or even connecting with people i don't already know.

yung death

a couple days ago, dylan pitman killed himself.

dylan is one of those people that I see once or twice a year (since high school) and still get nervous and tight-chested around. my middle school crush on him has never ever ever subsided, and i've always been completely fascinated with him. i've literally never met anyone funnier in my life, and although that humour came from a very dark place, it brightened everyone around him. i don't know who failed dylan, if anyone. i don't know which institution could've worked harder to prove his worth to him. but it isn't that simple. david foster wallace uses a metaphor for suicide that reads something like, suicide is jumping out of a building that's already on fire. it is the less painful of two deaths. to choose life in such a situation is to choose a slower, more painful death. dylan hasn't wanted to be alive for a while, and maybe it would suffice to say the world wasn't ready for his spirit and sharpness.

tyler perry's escape from auschwitz

the opening scene begins in media res; camera pans into a bird's eye view of a dark cell being slowly vacated by gaunt prisoners. a few shots later, only one prisoner remains. tyler perry lies eskew, covered in excrement and sobbing quitely. '

doing things is hard!!!!

i'm trying to learn things and draw things and read things but i still spend more time watching things! i'm currently 'enrolled' in codecademy, an online html and css tutorial that is super well-designed and honestly sort of fun. After a few days of having it at least I can recognize code and set up a document. It's definitely a rush to finally have some exposure into the language, but i'm reallyjust looking forward to making my own webpages.

another lil project i'm thinking about (haven't started at all) is putting these here blog posts (i think there are 47 at this pt) into indesign and designing them into a book, with a front and back cover and w.e else. i'm not gonna illustrate it too much, but i'll add in captions with the photos. i really don't want to lose any indesign knowledge so i have to force myself to work in it.

i also have a good amount of drawings i want to put into illustrator and then upload onto my portfolio. i'm not sure how to present them or how to print them out so i have to look at some examples maybe.

also also also i looked up some design exercises online; a lot of them center around designing a logo for an imaginary company, but i have literally no idea where to start for that one.

a plastic bag filled with helium

recently i read an article about a brooklyn couple who hosted a self-help radio program together and subsequently committed suicide together. i read their individual biographies, and the seemed like a 'normal' creative couple, as in they fought, played in bands, went to shows, w/e. is there anything more romantic than committing suicide together? the implication is that neither of them can live without the other while also being unable to live at all. so it appears that the joint suicide is a compromise of sorts and through the romantic implications seems somehow less tragic than if only one had done it.

also the method of suicide employed is interesting, as it is a departure from the usual wrist-cutting, shooting, jumping, etc. it's less glamourous for one thing and seems 'safer'. no blood. no mangled parts strewn over the bathroom or intersection.

and so it seems i've found my preferred method of suicide if the time comes for it: helium in a plastic bag! yay!