do i sound like a dog in this

should make more vlog posts

stewie is my muse

lexaproooo givin' me life. seems bleak that happy pills are the only thing responsible for my happiness at this point. i am trying and failing at not obsessively worrying about the future because that is the only thing my parents want to talk to me about. i am trying and failing at not watching family guy. stewie (er i guess seth mcfarlane) made a yoke about chris' back-ne spelling out 'citibank' in braille. sry but that is funny to me. stewie is killin it in this episode. i feel like future me will be happy pending the availability of wheach, weed, eggs, boyfriend, attractive male and female friends, hilarious unattractive older older friends (like maybe flat out elderly people), blog with some readership, and oh yeah i better be fucking skinny or i'm pulling the plug.. ;)

why do i lose everything important to me

rap game delayed flight

I am currently at the terminal in Lambert National airport in St. Louis MOOO after inciting a ‘code 3’. A code 3 is when you are compelled to touch someone’s ankle after they go through security, so you tell them they are exhibiting suspicious behavior. You tell them crisply and clearly, ‘left. ankle’. You are thus legally allowed (legally encouraged) to touch the individual’s left ankle.

The flight attendants are sitting near me in gate E16. One of them just made a joke about his dick being too big to fit in the flight attendant seats. The man in front of me is avoiding eye contact with me because he is ashamed of the way he is eating his burger king burger. I have $0 dollars on me and $20 on a credit card I cannot access. The flight attendants are talking about their past relationships. A ~50 blonde woman with a sitcom voice takes classes in order to meet men. She took a CPR class and dated a fireman’s assistant. I’m unclear on what exactly a fireman’s assistant does. A ‘gay voiced’ man with immaculate hair and an aging face is talking about the apparent success of his relationships. He uses female pronouns when talking about his relationships; this confuses me. The ‘spinster’ of the bunch (unless this term is not applied to men, in which case he is more of a serial dater)  emphasizes over and over again how he is ‘bad’ at relationships. I want him to elaborate but he does not. I don’t think I’m at the right gate. I took a Lexapro at the water fountain and wondered how many people could benefit from an antidepressant prescription but don’t have the time/money/energy/healthcare to see a psychiatrist. I wish this was a ‘boingo hotspot’. I hope my plane crashes. If so I hope they find this document saved and show it to the flight attendants (if they live) so I can find out for sure if te gay flight attendant is straight (if I live).  I want to be really high in the dark with a cherry coke passively watching a vaguely funny comedian on a computer screen with 2-3 friends. ‘friends’ I have identified my ‘core’ friend group I believe and am seeing more and more similarities with them. I am becoming more similar to them as I get happier. They are generally happy people. They are largely heavily medicated, sans sam, and I think this contributes to their content dispositions. I agree with their complaints and they re things I have thought about before. Sometimes I have briefly thought about the things they complain about and I wonder how much longer they thought about it in order to form a coherent complaint or observation and share it w me. Dumpy looking people irritate me more than downright ugly people. I am sympathetic toward very or even vaguely ugly people because even if there were things they could do to look less ugly (which there usually are), they have decided not to even bother and thus have resigned themselves to being objectively ugly. I figure men care less about reversing or ‘fixing’ ugliness, but both sexes are equally aware of how they look. I will fall asleep on this plane. When I was ~12  I had very in-depth fantasies about sitting next to a good looking pale boy on an international flight and ‘hooking up’ with him in the bathroom or under a blanket in the first class cabin.  I only wanted to ‘makeout’ with this person because I could not fathom being ‘fingered’ or ‘gone down on’ at this point. The concept of ‘making out’ was extremely arousing to me. In this fantasy I would take only my shorts off (underwear on) because I was and still am insecure about my arms and stomach. Ambigious good-looking Caucasian would not mind.

Flight attendant #4 (‘male spinster’):

“I typically work around 50 hours a week

I’m at the level where I live kind of frugal”

“I don’t have a lot at my house. I don’t buy stuff I don’t need. I literally [3x] have six shirts. If I wanna go out with somebody I got six dates to impress them.” [laughter] I buy stuff in bulk”

i am the mechanical bull at the duc

im so stressed about finallsss does anyone want to hear about how stressd  i am about finals o o o o
does anyone want to make out in the next ~2 hrs. i am in bixby 210(i think?); it's the 2d studio. rebecca is here too and would also participate in a sweet mack sesh. she will also be the mechanical bull at the duc tonight from 8-10 at a dance marathon benefit. have sex w rebecca IT'S FOR THE KIDS!!!111

hey i'm zach i'm from nyc do you want to blow me.
hey man i would love to i'm just following the script i've been assigned
okay word
yeah
okay cool i guess let's 'get this show on the road'
uhhm. yeah haha. good expression. sometimes i want to feel like i'm part of a freak show.  so i guess i like 'identify' with that phrase or something
woah. that's like, weird.
like weird enough that you don't rly think i'm a viable mate
what?
nothing. do you like grimes?
yeah! i almost DJed at a venue she almost performed at!!!!
no way!!!!! let's have sex?
okay! just keep in mind that i'll blog about you later!!
NP!!!

sorry i missed our last appt

have you experienced a lack of motivation?
have you had any trouble enjoying activities that you previously found enjoyable?
have you had any trouble sleeping?
have you had any trouble getting out of bed?
have you had any suicidal thoughts recently?
have you had any homicidal thoughts recently?

uhhm
hey
i don't like your fucking attitude