goat

alphab has an 'internet mind'. when we hang out (which is almost exclusively in his car), i have to use all faculties not to get lost and follow his very tangential train of thought. it is entertaining but does feel like 'work'. it's similar to watching a fascinating documentary that has more statistics in white text over a black screen than you would have liked.

yesterday he told me he wants to tell me a secret but is stitious about what will happen after i know. i think it is that he doesn't like me but it equally could be that he likes me. i think it is best not to care but i now have an anxiety-producing slurry of old flakes inside me. coincidentally (not really), i hung out with P.GOAT yesterday as well (who all of my other posts are about), after a night spent wishing he would either a. get crushed by a car like the dad in disturbia or b. love me. i texted him at the nord asking what he was doing, expecting an okay time at sportsmans to follow. he responded vaguely and was w lil at the time. after a pleasant interaction at her show, i felt positive about interacting with them both. he replied she wants to 'split wine' which i should've (and did but ignored) picked up on and went on w my life. i said 'where at also if its just u guys no prob just tell me'. no response. 'ok tell me so i know if i should make other plans.'

'make other plans'

i felt the crush and tried to force myself to cry so maybe i could go home earlier. no luck.
left feeling dejected and equipped w some sort of work energy. i walked out, text from alphab 'call me as soonas u are done w work'. i call, he gives me instructions like we are going to dump a body. i wait for him to pick me up at kroger and now try not to cry. he picks me up and drives erratically while also speaking erratically. he buys me a refresher and is cute and shy about it. back in car and back to intense intensity. i get smackers on his piece and we are at my house. i show him a movie trailer after talking about him with him for a while and then we watchsaid movie .we are very focused on the movie and he shivers when something rly emotional happen. i sense of much he feels. it might be too much, or maybe im not feeling enough.



 im reminded of myself whenever i try to ween myself off of antidepressants. color returns to the world and i just stare at everything for two days. the saturation is noticeably stronger and everything is amazing or terrible or heartbreaking. i forget to breathe often during these first few days. after about a week i am tired and feel a little doomed.

then something at best irritating and worst kind of upsetting happens and i crumple like a jesus zine and take 3 lexapro tablets. this happens about twice a year but im know fairly sure i will be more doomed by not taking it at all even when life is amazing. there's a lot more doom where that came from.

the triumphant return of sad bean

people at large do not value being entertained in conversation. thoroughly entertaining someone while talking to them does not make them want to be your friend. there have been countless occasions where i've felt myself performing for someone (or a group of people), willing them to have a 'great time' talking to me, only to have them think nothing of it afterwards and walk away. no one actually cares if you're funny or smart. getting along with someone does not make them want to be your friend; this is one of the main reasons i do not identify with anyone. i have, of course, considered my outer appearance as a detriment to socializing, but i am now at a place where i think of myself as aesthetically appealing, even under the 'commodity' moniker die to the looming otherness following me. 

in the past few months, however, i do think i have made progress in avoiding entertaining, as i semi-recently realized how futile it is to be 'fun'. as i said earlier, people do not register being entertained after it happens; it really is as if the entire conversation did not happen. 

so the looming question that im almost done entertaining (not intended) is: what do people want from me? 

the question is so far from being answered, that I may be better off asking myself: what can i get from others? can i extract entertainment and resources from others? enter a manipulative behavioral mode? 

if ur reading this it's not too late

i want to hurt your feelings.
i want you to feel doubt and contempt for yourself.
i want you to try to mold yourself into a person i would want to be with.
i want you to ask yourself what you're doing wrong.
i want you to talk about me and only me to your friends.
i want you to put on makeup to see me.
i want you to go home hating yourself for not being loved by me.
i want you to go to chuy's and immediately throw up afterwards, while your nose begins to bleed.

somehow you are suspended above these demands, and will never do them for another person, despite or maybe because you are so wanted. an aversion to intimacy is a powerful thing; no one knows you are crippled by trauma. i wouldn't even say i know, but i remember everything you have ever said to me, and you once mentioned a sexual trauma and quickly quickly walked away. the emotional energy i have invested in you is slowly slipping away, but some of it (naturally i suppose) is turning into resentment. i cannot look at someone the way i look at you and have not been able to for almost 3 years. you are not to blame but you knew and did nothing, said nothing, stared back when i stared. i earnestly thought trying hard enough would work, because it works with everything else. people are not logical. art is not logical. i cannot deal with both of these things simultaneously. i do not think i choose people. this is the drone, for now.

i want to make more clip art

everyone hates me and so should u

after a 1.5 week run of terrible days, i experienced 3 'great' days. each day i said 'this is the best day of my life' ~10 times. if i said it enough it would become true, and buoy my mood. these best days of my life were followed by drinking too much and talking too loud, resulting in self-consciously laying in bed for two years the next day. no one is scrutinizing my every move, so i've taken it upon myself to do so.

my dad said i am 'desperately trying to fail' re my entire life.

the people that are supposed to blindly support me are the only people point blank telling me i have no chance. it is getting increasingly difficult not to internalize this message. i want to sink down into the stiff earth and evade failure so much that it is in turn affecting my chances of 'success'. hmm.
is that irony?

a crippling adderal addiction is something i am considering.
i have four friends and i only like 2 of them.
no one is like me and i'm starting to be less and less like me.
i am trying to find the balance between artist and drone.
the security of waking up and parking my car and sitting at a desk for 8 hours is why i am in college.
but that is a grim dream for the .5 of me that wants to be an 'artist'.
i try really hard to get people to like me and i don't think it's working.
i am almost ready to stop trying completely.
if i don't talk to anyone, they will assume the best; anything i saw will only decrease the likelihood of likelihood of liking.

tonight i will drink beer alone and work on my art. i will text matt ~5 times and get angry about him not loving me for a little while. i will go to be satisfied with a slightly increased self-image. there is no tangible benefit for being 'seen'.

everyone is trying so hard, they can try on my behalf i suppose.

i am acutely aware at all times of how much fun im having, and i think it is useful to tell others as this fun is happening to us. my modes of navigating with the world at large are getting more and more narrow; perhaps, this is 'becoming who i am', as early, i was everyone all the time.