last night i went to a reading and thoroughly enjoyed watching everyone shut the fuck up for an hour and listen to one person in one corner of the room. afterwards i immediately drank a bunch of wine and pretended a parasol was my penis. then everyone went to mc's tiny yellow house (?) and everyone got too high (me). it could have been the most fun ive ever had but i also felt tyrannical and times like bent on expressing myself. also i took a cute hostage with a round face named paul and couldn't tell if he really liked me or really didn't like me. how important is it to know how someone is reacting to you? you should still say all the stuff you want to say...right? i think i sort of had a script in my head of things i wanted to say and would have said to anyone. which is something im neutral about. this mode of interacting is keeping in time to my new mantra of talking to everyone like a sad sack of fleshy tissue without regard to what sexx parts or face they have. has been good to me i think and is a fair dispersal of energy based on third party characteristics like, do you think im funny? do i think you're funny? are you kind or creative? these are the only things that matter people! i think im feeling blessed to discover this earlyish(???) since being so crippled earlier of what i look like to people and how i am coming off. i am still keenly aware of and even mildly obsessed with how i seem to others, but it is sort of a morbid curiosity as opposed to an anxiety.
i was definitely ranting but felt hyper-coherent and embarrassed the whole time. embarrassment is a form of sobriety within the psychological context of partying, and keeps you from being to bold or antagonistic. is perhaps good to feel this type of embarrassment; but, i guess reminding yourself that despite moments of greatness or comedy or artistic whatever, you are nothing! your judgment of yourself does not truly affect your output(?? (maybe it does? but how?)) making something cool and jerking yourself off about it does not mean you will make more cool things. wait until after you're dead before you pat yourself on the back. backpatting goes a short way and should not be confused with happiness. these are good things i remind myself that i think ultimately have changed the way i perceive others. there is very little 'competition' and i love women more because of it but men a little less. people just want you to ask them questions about their stupid lives! do not dwell because it will get in the way of your upcoming lobotomy! scheduled around mailing out those etsy orders. TRULY future was right, you dont have an image to maintain! if you want to be insane sometimes you are allowed to be!
was i being annoying last night? wait, don't tell me! because! if everyone needs a hug from you than you weren't that bad after all! you have $0 now but everyone feels good!
matt, i was at a party with you and didn't cry ONCE! 100 emoji
222 is the universe saying that everything will be alright!
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