i am graduating in less than two weeks. i feel simultaneously empty and do full i am pouring over. i cannot concentrate on anything, and cannot get out of bed unless there is a punishments awaiting me. i have goals that will take years to accomplish and i don't know where to start. my good ideas mean more to others than they do to me. there is a palpable distance between me and everyone else, a distance my squaww lifestyle hasn't yet compromised. i think about someone hurting my feelings days or even weeks after the fact, even if i know they misspoke or didn't mean it or take it back. i feel alarmingly good at playing the victim; my strengths mean nothing to me, but my weaknesses define me. constantly getting in my own way, yet i dont want anyone to help me. i hate advice and i never want to be serious. yet i need someone to force me in a direction.
everyone is moving on, but i cannot focus long enough to remember any information or skills. lately, i have been forcing myself into fleeting 'gratitude adjustments', going over my insane privilege. i will never starve, i have no student loans, all of my limbs work, i am cognizant enough of my actions not to consciously hurt another person, i feel deep empathy but know when i am being taken advantage of, etc, etc.
i am currently in a flux, working part time at hip hues and thinking vaguely yet stressing intently about which jobs i should apply for. i want to cultivate my skills, seems like there isn't enough time for anything, yet i have to be good at everything all the time. be nice to everyone, be funny, say something intelligent/relevant, make art, draw everyday, write everyday, do well on that paper, don't blow off that presentation, learn css, learn html, make a new video, don't judge those closest to you just because you can. im not sure how angry to be at the state of the world. what is my anger going to do beyond making me an angry person. i am selfish for this reason.
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